buy 2 baby elephants from India and ship them over here. start breeding. how can i profit? let me count the ways:
1. instead of carriage rides with boring horses, a romantic couple could get an elephant ride through the park.
2. instead of cops riding boring horses around, i could sell them elephants to ride around.
3. skyway to nowhere, downtown is a good place to get onto the elephant. otherwise i am going to need a rope ladder.
4. sell my car. commute to work on it. keep it in the parking ramp. take it through the car wash. my friend, special K, says the top speed of an elephant is 40mph which just happens to be the minimum speed limit on 35E. he would know, he is from India and probably runs around with elephants all day long.
5. friends were skeptical, but Hannibal had his elephants go over the Alps, so my elephant would probably do ok in Minnesota winters.
6. in the winter we could do odd jobs, like plowing parking lots. instead of towing the cars, my elephant will just lift them up and then i can shovel underneath them.
7. i wonder if my employer will pay for its medical insurance.
8. my friend, Thomas Aquinas says i should add it to the Innovation web page at work. they might give me a bonus.
9. Thomas Aquinas suggests that i can start a restaurant. some menu ideas: chocolate covered baby elephant. deep fried baby elephant. pineapple, baby elephant, and pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.
10. breed micro elephants as house pets
11. breed lactating elephants for elephant milk (to serve at my elephant restaurant)
12. breed elephants with glow in the dark ears for use in night transportation. might be cheaper to just carry a flashlight though.
13. trippy dance (or strip) club with elephant performers
14. sell elephant paintings on valentines day.
15. repopulate the continent’s nature preserves with wild elephants.
16. use them on construction sites.
17. sports franchise — elephant soccer. every major city has a pro basketball team. why not elephant soccer? i bet mayor Rybak will build me a stadium.
Thomas Aquinas has concerns about liability. Not to mention, The Man will probably keep this plan from becoming reality. i should really keep count of how many business ideas The Man ruins for me. think of how much larger the economy could be without The Man standing in the way of great ideas like this one.
Filed under: great ideas
i think i should move into my office.
i would save $700 a month on rent, $60 on phone + internet, $40 on
heat/air, $70 on gas, not time mention time saved from commuting and
wear and tear on the car. thats $870 a month or $10,440 a year. thats
a pretty big raise tax free. thats like getting a $17,000 raise before taxes.
i could have like a sleeping bag and pillow in there. and there is a
lounge with a tv and fridge (and dish washer and ice machine and coffee
machine) for when i want to invite friends over. and a bathroom of
course. i can take the skyway to the YMCA to take a shower. i have
free parking downtown because of work. i don’t have to take out my own trash.
if i get sick or take a vacation i can go to a friends house, or even a
hotel with all the money i’m saving and hang out there.
i can store some stuff above the ceiling tiles. my office can’t be that
much smaller than some of those japanese apartments or a dorm room.
of course The Man wouldn’t approve because this place isn’t zoned as
residential. i am also concerned about the cleaning staff finding out.
ok, so i googled and there is some guy in SF who did this off and on for
3 years. what a freak.
Filed under: Uncategorized
today i bought a product at the grocery store called “Simply Limeade”. the contents appears to be a limeade type substance. but on the lid it says “Simply Orange”. wth?
Filed under: great ideas
to: rt@minneapolis.org, mayor@ci.stpaul.mn.us
cc: tim.pawlenty@state.mn.us
subject: suggestion
Dear Governor Pawlenty, Mayor Coleman and Mayor Rybak,
Each day upstanding citizens mash themselves in with perverts and
outlaws onto buses which stop every twenty feet for individuals with
too much booty in their pants. I would like to propose a radical yet
economically viable and environmentally awesome solution to the
transportation infrastructure issue in the Twin Cities.
What the people really need is a zip line from the top of the IDS Tower
in Minneapolis to the ground in front of the Wells Fargo building in
downtown St. Paul and vice versa. And also one from the 30th floor of
my building down to the Chipotle on St Peter and 5th Street please.
I have carefully thought through the economics part of this approach.
In Costa Rica, they were charging like $40 per ride. I figure for the
cost of a steel cable and a couple of coat hangers, the city could
really come out ahead. Especially when compared to the costiness of
finishing that light rail commuter train.
One of my buddies is a negative nancy and says there is no way there is
enough kinetic energy to get me the 20 miles from one city to the other
on a zip line. I’m not an engineer, but I suspect that with some WD40
and some ball bearings it could be done. Maybe jetpacks or something.
Whatever, lets not get bogged down in details — we could make it work!
In conclusion, a zip line would send a clear message to the people of
Minnesota that you mean business when it comes to spending tax payer
money responsibly and improving public transportation.
Sincerely,
Kablamo
p.s. I stand ready to serve my community as a consultant for this
project if you run into any problems.
Filed under: Uncategorized
today i went to kfc for the first time in years. observations:
1. they were playing talk radio over the loud speakers.
2. all the employees were hmong and its not a hmong neighborhood.
3. i was watching myself in the security tv and it was blurry and had the brightness turned all the way up so everything was glowing in an angelic light. i told the cashier that it looked like we were in heaven. she informed me that we were not, in fact, in heaven.
then i got in my car and drove home listening to NPR. some guy lost his legs when he was 13 and then broke his neck and his spine and his wrists when he was 30. then he started doing yoga and then he wrote a book or something. i only heard like 3 minutes of it. but is this stuff really any better than the Dream Doctor?
Filed under: pickup lines
unbelievable. as i write this, some chick is sitting with her laptop outside my apartment window, not ten feet from me, blatantly stealing my wifi. hello, i can see you and your device on my router, 192.168.1.74!
i’m sure there is an appropriate pick up line for this situation, but its not coming to me.
Filed under: power
just being awesome is not always enough. you need to signal to others that you are awesome or else they may remain unaware of how awesome you are.
in the past when i dropped my pen on the floor i would bend over and pick it up. sometimes it would roll way under the desk way under there and i would get down on my hands and knees, butt in the air, searching, half blind in the shadowy shadows beneath my desk. did people walking by my office think, “hey, awesome”? probably. but still — not very dignified.
say George Bush is in the middle of telling the foreign leaders of some puny island nation how its going to go down and he drops his pen on the floor of the oval office. do you think he crawls under there to retreive it? no way José. he just leaves it there and asks for another. he probably doesn’t even ask. someone just offers him theirs.
i guess i just hadn’t worried about it until today. but i realize i have been making a crucial mistake.
so from now on i am going to not pick up pens or markers or pencils when i drop them. ever. its just going to stay there on the floor. in fact i might start dropping things in meetings just for effect. just to signal to everybody who is wearing the pants.
i expect i’ll be in charge of everything before long.
Filed under: nature's flaws
people like to talk about how great nature is and all, but there exist a great number of design flaws and the whole system is plagued by a general lack of creativity and features. easy examples are condoms and pizza. but today i am going to talk about birth.
human babies are born too early. they are pretty useless the first year. they lay there all fat and wrinkly, consuming resources, polluting the environment and giving nothing back to society. if they just stayed in there and cooked a little longer before coming out it would be a big help. after a year or so they start doing tricks and various cute things so that at least has some value.
but the entire birthing process is flawed from end to end.
1. the dinosaurs had it right: what was wrong with eggs? why the live birth? eggs would mean a quick, safe, and comfortable delivery. you could do it at a stop light on the way to work. none of this my gorgeous wife has become a large angry monster and she needs 6 months off for maternity leave. just put them in an oven at the right temperature until they hatch. bam. children. easy. you could even paint them decorative colors.
2. whats with this potty training, don’t eat everything, trumpet lessons, twenty five years of school and homework, $200,000 for college, therapy, etc, needed to educate the kid? why not just do a memory dump from parent to child? i would have emerged from my egg and just bam, known how to sew, cook, and do calculus. if my mom was a brain surgeon, i would be able to just open up people’s heads and fix shit. if my great great great great grandmother was Ceasar’s girlfriend, i’d remember all their pillow talk and i’d know latin too. i could start a fire with sticks and make stuff from animal skins.
the only flaw in this plan is that the memory dump will be from mom and her mom and her mom’s mom. i’ll get nothing from dad which seems like a huge waste since my dad is pretty awesome and knows lots of stuff. maybe guys could dump their memory via there sperm somehow. thats a lot of information for such a small container though. not to mention a huge security problem for cia operatives and other people with secrets. all your passwords would just be right out there on the hotel sheets. but maybe nature should have run a nerve bundle down to the reproductive organs so that people can plug into each others brains when mating instead of just having this meaningless sex.
3. wow, 1 and 2 were so good, i’m just going to stop here and go eat some pie.
Filed under: nudity
as a guy, there are rules to undressing.
- shoes
- shirt
- socks
- pants
- underwear
any deviation from this order leads to looking retarded. but for some reason this is not as true for women.
